on the eve of the next chapter
I can't sleep, again. I have class at 8am, and a presentation that I skipped out on last Friday. I found out that Zach moved to Seattle, which is totally crazy. It's true you can't have what you really want. I graduate in a couple of weeks, which admittedly scares the SHIT out of me. I need to start lining up a job, but right now it all seems so paralyzing. I really have no idea where my life is going, which I used to be okay with, but now I'm just freaked the fuck out. I consistently struggle with my percieved and self-diagnosed inadequacies. It's rare for me to feel good enough these days. I think part of it is the paralysis of graduation and the leap of faith I'm about to take. Hans and I are starting to look for apartments, which is cool. I think living together will be good for us. At least I know it will be for me. We've known each other forever and are like brothers, and we keep each other in line. I'm happy and excited for us. More and more I wonder if I'll ever run across somebody worth making the time and investment for. So much of my time recently has been spent interacting with people in random social settings, failing to make any salient connection on a deeper level. I tell myself to lighten up about shit like this, but then I think, ya know what, I have to be who I have to be. I fell anchor-less right; adrift. An ironic paradox since I was born in a town called Anchorage. I think that's my largest struggle right now. In a time of unknowns and drastic and dynamic change, where do I find a solid anchor and where do I moor this floating ship? I'm listening to "I Miss You" by Incubus right now. It's ironic, I don't know that I miss a specific person, but I feel the last fledgling days of childhood passing by. The memories of youth becoming concrete in the pillar of adulthood. For the first time the onus will rest solely on my shoulders for my well-being. I continue to tell myself that everyone will be chill and to relax and get ready for the future, but then at times I think I'm delusional. I'm not quite sure what else to write tonight. Today was Mother's Day. I wanted to be with my mom so badly, but it just didn't work out, which sucks. Both of my parents have been such a huge inspiration to me. I think I'm more worried about not impressing them, which is kind of weird because I know that they would never expect anything other than what makes me happy. It's 1:10am, and I have to be up in 5 hours for class, so I guess I'll peace out for now. Until next time....
posted by Alaska @ 11:53 PM
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