is there wisdom in teeth?
So, I had my wisdom teeth pulled this morning. Apparently I have a mutant face and only have two upper wisdom teeth - my lower ones are nonexistent. So, went to the doctor this morning and had them pulled... Kind of funny story; when they came in and woke me up after being anesthetized and I asked if it was time to start and the nurse said "nope, we're all done,." Ahhh the wonders of modern medicine. I definitely advocate self-care and holisitic healing, but sometimes, you just want the juice.
So, that's all I really have to say for now. I'm hopeful to be up and around by Thursday. Peace, love, and let's go naked!
hello again
It's been a very long while since I wrote one of these last. Sometime in 2005 I think. A lot has changed since then...
My grandma passed away in February of 2006. I was lucky enough to be there when it happened, to help support my family, mostly my dad really. He took it hard. It has been a little over a year since she died. One year and four days to be precise. She passed away in Phoenix while at the winter house with my grandpa. She was buried in Anchorage, at the national cemetary on Ft. Richardson. It was a bright, cold, shiny Alaska winter day when she was buried. February 19th to be exact. So that brought me from Portland, to Phoenix, and now back to Anchorage.
What I'm doing here I'm still not sure. I have been selling my soul to the corporate machine for the last year, although I'm about to quit. Nervous about paying my bills though. But I think it will be worth it. My sister has been screwed over by the same company I work for... it's hard to watch. It's only proven that I will never power that machine again. She will have to sell her house because they cut her pay without notice, which means I will have to move back in with my parents. I don't so much mind that idea- they have a nice house and lots of free food and beer. But I really want to stay with my sister. She and I are very close, and have become closer over the past year. I don't know why I think of the Tennyson poem "Ulysses" ... "tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho' we are not now that strength which in old days moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are-- one equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
I love that poem (so did JFK, apparently).
My wisdom teeth are acting up today. I didn't sleep last night and got up and went to work at 5:30. I was going to quit today, but the tooth pre-empted my plan. Maybe tomorrow, depending on what happen at the tooth doctor today. I need out of that toxic environment. I'm sure they'll be pissed, but what do I care? Been screwed too many times by small, insignificant people to care.
So I find myself again in Anchorage, the land of my youth. That's a sort of stoic sentiment, isn't it? Sort of like the noble savage returned home as the prodigal son. Yes, that has a nice ring to it. So I am pursuing my masters at the University of Alaska, Anchorage in english/rhetoric. We will see where this takes me. Hopefully somewhere good. It's almost time to start looking into PhD programs... there are so many excellent schools. I suppose I should cross that bridge when I come to it.... but that saying makes me nuts. How can I cross the bridge effectively if I can't plan for it?
I think that's enough for one day... more to follow, I am sure. Hopefully the tooth fairy will bring me powerful meds, in which case the blog may become a work of fantasy...
In Response
Buckle up, kiddos... I'm about to geek out for a second. I want to write on two topics today. The first is in response to LeLo's comment on "Divorced from Reality," the second is the economic state of Oregon. So, off we go on our adventure....
If you recall in the previous post (Divorced from Reality) I talk about the linguistic (and thus systemic) difference between "hookinng up" and "having sex." LeLo's thoughtful comment sheds light on something I admittedly strayed from: the lesbian picture. While I can't speak directly to the issue of lesbian sexual discourse, I can offer two of my thoughts on it: the first academic, the seond a more personal take on the issue. So, here it is. The academic- If you were to combine a feminist/queer/critical epistemology to this question, a possible response might be that women in general, regardless of sexuality, are unable to challenge the patriarchal system because they lack the needed access to effect change on a systems-level. From a media studies lens, one might offer a possible explanation for this lack of power in what Laura Mulvey identifies as the male gaze. That is, the scope and production of an image for male consumption. I don't think it's possible to attribute this lack of access to one simple factor... rather, I believe it is several systemic nuances that exist in both the cultural and economic sphere, a sort of Venn diagram, if you will. The intersection and consort of these nuances allows the subjugation of a population based on their participation in the given system. But that's all academic nonsense.... I think it's a little different. My take- Imagine two boxes, one larger than the other. Now imagine one growing while the other is shrinking. Imagine a woman in the larger of the two boxes, and the man in the smaller. Douglas Kellner calls this the exploration of the bounds of sexuality. So, my take... I think that lesbians are in a unique and troubling situation. Unique because they do not typically have access to systemic power. By this I am speaking in the sexual vernacular. Here's what I mean: For two men or a man and woman the act of penetration can take place "naturally," (without aide). That is, one partners sex organs can penetrate the other partner. In a lesbian context, there are no external sex organs (breasts are not included in "sex" organs because they do not function in the role of reproduction) that have the ability to penetrate, and thus aides must be used. If, in a patriarchal system sexual power/prowess is defined by ones ability to penetrate multiple partners, then lesbians are systemically excluded from this model of power. Therefore, lesbians are in a unique situation because of their ability to explore sexual boundaries more freely based on Kellner's model. One major criticism I offer of Kellner's "box" model is that it is predicated on the assumption of dichotomous spectrums of gender and sexuality... which is why I refer to lesbians' positions as unique: from a critical/queer perspective they are the most well suited to challenge the system of dichotomous patriarchy because they are precisely poised in opposition to it. Hailing back to the 1970's feminist reclaimationist philosophies, I believe lesbians who engage in the sexual vernacular of creating discourse have the ability to reshape that discourse. This is why I refer to their position as troubling. Not to me personally, but culturally. Because of the deep-rooted and closely held assumptions of "the way things are" and "the way things should be," lesbians' position in this context challenge the status quo. They are diametrically opposed to the gender and sexual dichotomies and thus are best poised to challenge them... thus the troubling nature of their spot. I make no judgements about this topic, because I'm not a lesbian, and I can't presume to speak from a lesbian experience. I can, however, offer my thoughts for discussion on something I think has great value in discussing in popular discourse.
And now my second topic: Oregon's economy. I promise to keep this one short because the last tirade wore me out a little bit...
It seems that the people/legislators/businesses of Oregon want to improve the economy. Who doesn't? August 2005's unemployment rate was at 7.5% while the national average is 5.4%. But I've been thinking on this one, and I've noticed a few troubling trends coming from the state. 1) We want to fully fund higher education in Oregon in order to provide access to as many Oregonians as possible. 2) We want to create a positive business climate in Oregon to attract more business. Problem 1- Attract more multinational corporations who employ a lot of people. Because Oregon's system of higher ed is lacking (at best), they go outside the state, and sometimes the country in order to attract the best talent, thus pushing Oregon's graduates into low-wage, low-status, low-mobility jobs, or even worse, pushing them out of the state all together. What's the solution? I've got no idea: what I do know is that "anti-business" DOES NOT equal "pro-education" and vice versa. We need to attract businesses that will hire Oregon's graduates because they are the best in the region, this means developing more completely the regional economic drivers rather than attracting new industries that Oregon's institutions of higher learning aren't capable of supplying. Okay, that's it. Food for thought.
Love and peace
Divorced From Reality
So, as of late I've noticed a strange trend in my gay friends. Well, my straight friends, too. This trend, you see, is defining sex as a verb. What is sex? Is it different than hooking up? What about getting off? Is hooking up different than fucking? I, for one, am at a loss. According to two of my very good friends (one of them being my roommate, the other my neighbor), sex is defined as penetration. Hooking up/getting off is anything that doesn't involve penetration. I don't understand that definition for a couple reasons, but that doesn't mean these definitions are any less valid. What is problematic for me is how these seperate definitions divorce the act from the emotion (if there is any emotive context). Simply put, divorcing the definitions of sex and hooking up only confounds the parochial-patriarchal system of heteronormative behavior. I.E.: Penetration equals power, so being penetrated means you are giving up power, or being the penetrator means you are exercising power over someone. If there is no penetration, there is no power. This type of causal logic is what sustains the system. If X then Y. If I penetrate/get penetrated then I am building an emotive context to create meaning couched in behavior. X=penetration, Y= emotive context. The emotive context creates a foundation to sustain the system of sex as perversion of power, rather than as the critical foundation for deliberate power. I propose here that seperating the definitions of sex and hooking up only prove to further divorce us from a social reality wherein sex (as action) is used as a tool of the dominants to control subordinates. By combining and recognizing the two as inherently equal, that penetration is equal in meaning to getting off, then we build a foundation on which sex as action can be used to liberate rather than to dominate. Of course, this based entirely on the assumption that sex as action carries with it some emotive, rational meaning. But I'll leave that to the psychologists to sort out. I'm more interested in what these divorced meanings say about western sexual culture and the heternormative behavior our culture practices, but that's all for another day.
Where are you going?
Went to a DMB concert this past weekend at Alpine Valley in Wisconsin. Was absolutely amazing. I haven't seen Dave and company in like a year, and we were 5th row center on the second night. Being in Minnesota has offered me a lot of time to think and think some more. Beyond the dissappointment of Karen Minnis' actions on SB 1000, we now have legislation that very well may decimate the cultures of people of Central America. Yes, I mean CAFTA. Not only is it detrimental to our own economy, it is probably the most poorly written piece of legislation I've seen come from this administration. Alas, 3 more years. It doesn't sound like that long, but wait: in one night the hopes and dreams of the queer community were shattered with the passage of measure 36. Now that I'm graduated I feel more confused than I ever have in my life, and the current socio-political state isn't helping... thus my question (and the title of a DMB song): where are you going?
Dear Mom and Dad
Dear mom and dad,
Leaving home this time was the hardest it has ever been. Often times leaving the quiet respite of Alaska signals the continuation of an adventure, or in this case, the beginning of a new one. On the way to the airport I wasn't able to say much because it was clouded by the sadness and emotion of a tearful goodbye. I cannot remember feeling so much like a small child in a huge world then I did on that ride. For the first time multiple experiences of the past few years set in and I began to feel something strange inside. We all know where I come from: that I am as cocky as I am smart and as fearless as I am frightful. For the very first time in my life I was able to grasp how big the world is and how I fit into it, however small I may be. I am back in Portland a changed person. I feel like I am standing on the tallest legde in the world, getting ready to take the most important plunge. I have never been so scared in my life. Yet I am excited. Not with the uncontained excitement of a child on christmas day, but the cautious and benevolent excitement you only feel a few times in your life. This time, my departure from Alaska signals a greater shift in my life. I will never be a kid again. I will always be a child, a son, and a brother. But never again will I be a kid. That's hard for me, but also exciting. Of course I am worried about where my future will take me, but now I am thankful. You have both prepared me to take that leap into life's unknowns, and for that I am eternally grateful. I want you both to know how much I love you and wish I could be home with you right now. Unfortunately, I have to be an adult now. You are my heroes and my role models. I love you
So, I finally did it. Graduation took place last Saturday. Was quite the event. Glad it's over. I've definitely lost sleep over the future. What does it look like? What does it hold? None of the questions seem to have immediate answers. Learning to accept that and be okay with it is a long road, especially for the clinically neurotic such as myself. But alas, life will not fail me. I left college feeling more confused than when I entered. A sign of success, yes; but also a sign of someone is paradoxically floating along while being grounded. The more I think, the less I understand of practically everything. The only thing I'm really sure of is that it will all be okay. But the major questions surrounding my cognitive development remain in a foggy haze that will most likely not be resolved at any point in the near future. Such is life. Living intently is a lot more work than it sounds like. So now, I embrace the closing of one door and the opening of another... and I hope I don't fuck it up. Peace for now.
